So I stopped blogging for a while at the end of last year. I had just gotten back into it when I started questioning myself. That in itself was a warning sign – and when those questions returned the wrong answers, I put on the brakes. I was in such emotional turmoil last year that this blog stopped being about fun and idiocy and I only ever wrote about extreme highs and lows.
I turned emo.
It then got to a stage where I felt like I was sabotaging my life and I realised that if I didn’t stop, I was in danger of losing my reputation of a witty and fun loving girl. 😉
But you can’t keep an old dog down.
So it’s with a sense of both excitement and trepidation that I make my big return. 2011 is going to be a good year for me. It is going to be a year of change and growth and beautiful things. I am bursting with possibility and I am lost in how amazing the world can be when you open yourself up to it’s possibilities.
I have discovered aspects of my personality that I didn’t know still existed. I am full of smiles and happiness and just generally gay. I’m alive. I am in love with the idea of what my life can be. I have found myself.
I could continue to puke out cliches and greeting card adages but then what will I talk about next time?
So 2011 is a year of hope for me. Hope and great things.
I had an interesting conversation yesterday. It was about insecurity. More specifically, it was about perceptions of security. I am not an insecure person, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t suffer from insecure moments. Everyone does. If I find myself in a situation that I don’t have control over, I work as hard as I can to gain control. If it can’t be gained, or not to the degree that I’d like, then I feel insecure. And that is what has happened.
This conversation interested me. The person in question couldn’t imagine me feeling insecure. But it’s a relative thing I guess. Compared to many I’m not. Compared to me, right now I am. I think the reason for my general security has a lot to do with the fact that I always fall on my feet. Nothing has happened in my life so far that didn’t work out ok in the end – even if it hurt along the way. I think that having that kind of faith helps.
But you only have to do a quick search for the word bulimia in this blog to realise that there have been times of extreme insecurity in my life. Those times were definitive and for that reason I am grateful for them. It has only been 3 years since I unconsciously counted every calorie that went into my mouth. I will never like my body and I will always have insecurities about it. It has always been functional and more recently I am learning that it is possibly even likable, but some insecurities are so ingrained in our psyche that it would only take a very light breeze to bring down the house of cards.
Having said all of that, insecurities about specific subjects don’t really reflect on the whole. I have always had the kind of internal security that comes from having a strong family that brought me up to like myself – or to question and change the things that I don’t like. I think that being a realist and having the ability to look at loss philosophically also helps. Sometimes things don’t work out perfectly, but that shouldn’t be a reason not to try them. You can always cry and get over it.
But even the most secure people in the world will find themselves feeling vulnerable at times. I guess for me, now is one of those times. If you put those vulnerabilities into the hands of someone else, you lay yourself open. I both love and hate that. It makes life exciting but it’s a risk.
But then, what’s life without risk?
I have never done this before. I am going to use someone else’s words. I’ve never done it because I have enough of my own, but these particular words are so innocently powerful that they need to be shared. These are the words of an elderly woman and they so accurately reflect my idea of utopia that I need to pay them forward.
Chickens know how to live. They get out of bed with the sun, raring to go, as if the day is going to be wonderful. They’re just focused on that day – they’re not worried about yesterday or tomorrow. They do something creative every day – like laying an egg – and they’re so pleased with themselves when they do it. They do something special and pampering for themselves every day, like having a dust spa, just to feel good. They stick with their friends and they go to bed when the sun goes down. I think that’s perfect.
And you know what? So do I. If I could gift just one thing to my children it would be the ability to live life with passion and not worry about yesterday or tomorrow. Just live in the moment.
If you read this blog with any regularity (which would be considerably easier to do should I bother to write with any regularity), you’d be forgiven for thinking that I’m all over the place at the moment. I am. I don’t think anyone is more surprised about it than I am. I’m not prone to mood swings and I generally see the good in things, but this winter has been long and hard. There is something about being shut inside with two (feral) kids for weeks on end that takes it out of you. But if I’m really honest, it’s the general lack of freedom and independence that has taken me down.
So I’m doing something about that and things seem to be on the up and up. It’s amazing how being true to yourself is good for the soul – and for your mental health…
I have a couple of girlfriends that get what they call the ‘bad persons’ every now and then. I used to wonder what they meant but that, but I think I’ve figured it out. I think they are better described as moments of self doubt. Like when you do something when you’re intoxicated and then you spend half of the next day dwelling on it and wondering whether it was inappropriate behavior. I’ve been doing a bit of that lately, but without the intoxication. It’s not so much a case of having lost my confidence, it’s more the fact that having kids makes you question how you behave a little more. I want my kids to have the freedom to make their own choices and act as they see fit, but I am painfully aware that they use me as an example and I’m not sure that that is a good benchmark for anyone!
Things aren’t all good. Over the last week I have had two people that are close to me become gravely ill. One is fighting for her life at the moment and the other has already lost the fight. She won’t live out the weekend. Life has a cruel way of reminding us that we’re never going to be in complete control. But as someone I know said recently, “you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone is bs”.
I’ve got a lot of good things going on and I’m grateful for every one of them. Life makes me smile.
I’m sitting at the airport and my head is full of random words that, if pulled together, would read like one of those greeting cards that are both poignant and sad, but beautiful at the same time. There is something about doing airport admin by yourself that is inherently sad, even though nothing sad has happened. I always seem to go home from work trips feeling like I haven’t slept for days. And I guess that sitting in the departure lounge marks the end of something and the start of real life again.
I have a lot to look forward to at the moment. The next month is going to be a busy one full of crazy experiences. I’m going to be a best(wo)man for the first (and only, not doubt) time. I’m going to my first (and only, not doubt) stag’s do and I’m backing it up off a hen’s night. Ouch. I suspect that next time I come to the office I’ll be slightly more jaded.
Today is Father’s Day. I’m looking forward to seeing my dad tonight. I spent some time this weekend with a friend who’s father is sick and it has reminded me how much I appreciate mine. Dad was diagnosed with bowel cancer a couple of years back and my world turned upside down. I had never before been faced with the mortality of my parents. As it turns out, the diagnosis was wrong and he’s still as healhty as ever, but it was a good wake up call. Nothing is forever. Not even the stuff that has been so far.
You’d be forgiven for thinking that this post sounds a bit depressing. That’s not actually how I feel. I’m in a good place at the moment, but I only sit down to write when I’m feeling philosophical. It is true that I’m more emotional than I used to be though. I think having kids does that to you. These days I have an acute awareness of how other people affect me and I find it frustrating that I don’t have control over that. I won’t pretend to be someone that I’m not though – I live for the moment and you can’t do that if you’re not true to yourself. Great things don’t happen without collateral damage of some kind. But if you run too fast you find yourself all alone. I think it’s important to remember that. I should tattoo it somewhere.
That’ll do for now. I have a plane to catch and a life to get on with.
The night before last I had an epiphany. Ok, not really, I just wanted to use the word epiphany. But I did come to a minor realisation. I think I know what’s missing from my life. I read a tweet from a friend that I met when I was kick-boxing a few years back. She was talking about a fight that our mutual trainer is in this weekend. I realised that while I was reading it the muscles in my biceps and quads were doing little involuntary twitches. I’m sure that must be withdrawal.
So I made a decision. I’m getting back in the ring.
I contacted my trainer and he suggested that he’d be happy “to whip my fat ass into shape and have me looking like a boy again”. Great. Encouraging words which I accept would probably have some people running for the hills, but to me that sounds like heaven. I have never experienced anything like the level of endorphins that you get after an hour of kicking the living hell out of someone (that has volunteered to have the living hell kicked out of them). Aside from the short term buzz, the level of fitness that you can achieve is phenomenal. It will certainly make carrying around my 2x12kg children significantly less tiring.
Because I choose not to put the kids into childcare (I’m one of those people that thinks that if you have kids then you should look after them if you possibly can) I need to find some other solution, and I think I have. My mother has decided that she wants to take them on Friday mornings. Oh yeah. So things are falling into place.
I went up to the attic last night and dug out my gloves. When I put them on it felt like coming home after being away for too long.
I have moments of lucidity at the most unlikely times. At some point during the Hawkstravaganza I realised that of late my behavior has gotten out of control. I have always been prone to bouts of obsessiveness, but when it reaches the point that I realise that what I’m doing might make me cringe in the future, it’s time to stop. So it was with a deep breath that I confronted my demons today. I still have that slightly nauseated feeling that you get when you talk with someone about heavy shit, but I’m glad it’s done.
You’re no doubt wondering what the hell I’m talking about. I’m going to leave you wondering. After all, this blog is about me, not you.
Whilst I’m on the subject of my behavior, I’ve been giving more thought to my last post. The one in which I relentlessly bag my kids. It occurred to me that most twin parents go through the same thing and everyone survives. I have to take responsibility for my feelings. If someone else came to me with the same set of complaints I’d tell them to stop bitching and do something about it. So that’s what I’m going to do. I chose this life for myself, after all.
I saw on the news last night that a 34 year old man in Methven was caught doing an indecent act with a sheep. I am congratulating myself because that is proof that there are people around that behave a lot worse than I do.
I’m also wondering if it was a pretty sheep.