I had an interesting conversation yesterday. It was about insecurity. More specifically, it was about perceptions of security. I am not an insecure person, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t suffer from insecure moments. Everyone does. If I find myself in a situation that I don’t have control over, I work as hard as I can to gain control. If it can’t be gained, or not to the degree that I’d like, then I feel insecure. And that is what has happened.
This conversation interested me. The person in question couldn’t imagine me feeling insecure. But it’s a relative thing I guess. Compared to many I’m not. Compared to me, right now I am. I think the reason for my general security has a lot to do with the fact that I always fall on my feet. Nothing has happened in my life so far that didn’t work out ok in the end – even if it hurt along the way. I think that having that kind of faith helps.
But you only have to do a quick search for the word bulimia in this blog to realise that there have been times of extreme insecurity in my life. Those times were definitive and for that reason I am grateful for them. It has only been 3 years since I unconsciously counted every calorie that went into my mouth. I will never like my body and I will always have insecurities about it. It has always been functional and more recently I am learning that it is possibly even likable, but some insecurities are so ingrained in our psyche that it would only take a very light breeze to bring down the house of cards.
Having said all of that, insecurities about specific subjects don’t really reflect on the whole. I have always had the kind of internal security that comes from having a strong family that brought me up to like myself – or to question and change the things that I don’t like. I think that being a realist and having the ability to look at loss philosophically also helps. Sometimes things don’t work out perfectly, but that shouldn’t be a reason not to try them. You can always cry and get over it.
But even the most secure people in the world will find themselves feeling vulnerable at times. I guess for me, now is one of those times. If you put those vulnerabilities into the hands of someone else, you lay yourself open. I both love and hate that. It makes life exciting but it’s a risk.
But then, what’s life without risk?