If you read this blog with any regularity (which would be considerably easier to do should I bother to write with any regularity), you’d be forgiven for thinking that I’m all over the place at the moment. I am. I don’t think anyone is more surprised about it than I am. I’m not prone to mood swings and I generally see the good in things, but this winter has been long and hard. There is something about being shut inside with two (feral) kids for weeks on end that takes it out of you. But if I’m really honest, it’s the general lack of freedom and independence that has taken me down.
So I’m doing something about that and things seem to be on the up and up. It’s amazing how being true to yourself is good for the soul – and for your mental health…
I have a couple of girlfriends that get what they call the ‘bad persons’ every now and then. I used to wonder what they meant but that, but I think I’ve figured it out. I think they are better described as moments of self doubt. Like when you do something when you’re intoxicated and then you spend half of the next day dwelling on it and wondering whether it was inappropriate behavior. I’ve been doing a bit of that lately, but without the intoxication. It’s not so much a case of having lost my confidence, it’s more the fact that having kids makes you question how you behave a little more. I want my kids to have the freedom to make their own choices and act as they see fit, but I am painfully aware that they use me as an example and I’m not sure that that is a good benchmark for anyone!
Things aren’t all good. Over the last week I have had two people that are close to me become gravely ill. One is fighting for her life at the moment and the other has already lost the fight. She won’t live out the weekend. Life has a cruel way of reminding us that we’re never going to be in complete control. But as someone I know said recently, “you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone is bs”.
I’ve got a lot of good things going on and I’m grateful for every one of them. Life makes me smile.