Putting on the Brakes

I’m feeling quietly philosophical today. That’s a good thing considering how I’ve been feeling lately. I’ve been whipping myself up into quite a frenzy and have been taking other people along for the ride. I remember one of my boyfriends telling me once that I’m exhausting to be around. I didn’t really take that on board at the time. It wasn’t until a later boyfriend told me that I use up all the air in the room that it occurred to me that perhaps that first comment wasn’t intended as a compliment.

I know it’s what I’m like. Most of the time I don’t mind. In fact, most of the time I consider it to be one of my strengths. I have lots of energy but I haven’t learned to harness it.

Over the last week or so I’ve been winding up until I hit 100% on Saturday evening. I was away for the weekend and it was great. I needed the time out to regroup because I’ve been driving myself to distraction. It was great to get away from the kids. When I saw them this morning I felt so fortunate to be their mother. Last week I felt nothing but frustration for them. Everything they did got on my nerves. I missed what my life was like when I didn’t have other people that were reliant on me for their happiness.

I’m not sure what it is that has caused this introspection or why I’m feeling calm today. I don’t feel any differently towards the things that are going on in my life right now than I did yesterday. I just feel a sort of acceptance of them. Rather than running myself into the ground I’m feeling better about sitting back and enjoying life, with things to look forward to.

Last night my phone was stolen on my flight home. Usually that would have driven me to despair. Today it just is what it is. I have a loan phone. I’ll get a new SIM card this afternoon. I’ll attempt to be patient until the new iPhone comes out and then I’ll replace it. In the mean time I have no alarm clock, calendar, email on the run or any of the other things that I’ve come to rely on, but so be it.

I can’t actually believe how good I feel. Calm.

I know one thing for sure though. It won’t last.

When it’s all you know…

It’s amazing how long a person will put up with a less than ideal situation if it’s all that they know. I was watching one of those ads for World Vision on TV last night and I was wondering what keeps someone living when there is nothing to live for. But I guess if it’s all you know then what’s the alternative? Sometimes that’s how I feel.

I’m not suggesting for a moment that I have an issue with flies around the head or that I am deserving of World Vision money, although there are times when it would come in handy. I am also completely aware of how inappropriate it is to even make this kind of comparison, but sometimes it’s ok to cross the PC line for the sake of a laugh.

Where I’m going with this actually doesn’t have much to do with quality of life. It’s more about being satisfied with what you have until you see something else. I spent a couple of days over at the office last week and after a few drinks on Friday night I was talking with a guy from work about how great an employer we have. It put into perspective just how much I put up with at my old job – for more than 10 years. I worked with a great team and my immediate managers were fantastic, but the company in general treated people badly.

Still, I didn’t post just to bitch about that. To be honest, I’m not sure what I am posting about. I feel restless. I love the fact that I have a flexible job. I love that I work from home and can fit my hours around my kids and the other things that I choose to do in my day. But being in the office last week made me realise just how much I miss the energy of having people around me.

I think if I’m completely honest with myself, the fact that the office is in another country – far, far away from the responsibilities of home, is also part of the appeal. When I’m there, I’m no one’s mother – I’m just Hawk. I can go out after work and get trashed. I can get up and go to the gym even if it’s not my gym day. I can behave badly if I want to. And I usually want to. But I haven’t had the freedom to be that person for a while now.

I know that on paper I have an almost perfect life and to complain about it might seem ungrateful, but that’s human nature and I won’t apologise for it. I won’t apologise for slamming the door when I’ve had it with the grizzling. Or for telling the cats to fuck off because it’s better than telling the kids. Or for telling my daughter to eat her veges when I’ve had nothing but coffee and biscuits all day. I won’t apologise for being restless.

I guess once every month or so I’ll blow out just so that the pressure doesn’t get too extreme.

It’s about balance, right?