Simply happy.

Today I was driving along the motorway as the sun was rising. It has risen on one of those days when the sky is completely clear and blue, but the air is crisp and cool. Days that remind me of the Easters of my childhood when we used to travel down country to my nan’s house. It was while I was thinking about those days, which were perfect days, that I realised that right now I am the happiest that I have ever been in my life.

It sneaked up on me.

If someone had’ve told me a year ago when I was staggering out of a club at 8am after having ‘the best night of my life’ that I’d be happier at home with two tiny babies, I’d have told them that they didn’t know me very well. I guess I didn’t know myself.

I never would have imagined that I’d be racing home from the gym before the class was finished because I missed their smiles. The gym used to be my life. And I would never have thought that twin playgroup followed by a walk in the park and coffee group would have sounded like a pretty good day to me.

More than anything, I never would have believed that I’d actually enjoy being woken up three times in the night by crying babies, but it means I get to sit in the dark and stroke those fluffy little heads and think about just how incredibly fortunate I am.

So life is simple now. And simple is perfect.

Rest in peace, little man.

The last couple of days have been noisy and difficult ones in our house. At the age of just 12 weeks, Hunter is teething. While teething is a horrible experience for some children regardless of age, it’s worse when your mouth is too small for a teething ring and you don’t yet have enough control over your hands to hold something against your gums. So she’s just having to cry it out. No amount of rocking or cuddling from me seems to have any effect.

The cruelest thing about teething is that it affects her eating and sleeping cycles, meaning that she is exhausted and starving, as well as completely miserable. I can see the little tooth just below the surface, so with any luck it will come through any day. Tomorrow would be good.

All the crying it pretty hard to cope with. When you hear your child screaming and you can’t help them, you just feel useless. After several hours of it you just have to walk away for a while, before it breaks you. Then it’s hard not to feel like a bad mother. It’s also hard when I feel I’m neglecting Israel because Hunter is demanding so much attention.

But something happened today that helped me put it into perspective.

A good friend of my sisters fell pregnant with twins a couple of weeks before I did. We became friends as a result. Our pregnancies were very similar and she ended up having boy/girl twins as well. Sadly, the little boy was born with a damaged heart. His name was Ryan. He was flown straight up to Starship (they live down country) and underwent surgery. His mother didn’t even get to feed him.

The surgery was successful and after a couple of hard months they went home again. Although progress was slow and Ryan was a lot smaller than his twin, things were going ok. I went down to stay with my sister a few weeks back and we went around to meet Ryan and to spend some time with him. He was a gorgeous wee boy with huge eyes and a peaceful nature.

This morning Ryan had a heart attack and died. I can’t really express how deeply sad I feel about that on so many levels. As the mother of twins, I know that to go somewhere with just one of the babies feels as if you are missing a part of yourself. I once took Israel to the doctor and left Hunter with mum. I kept turning around to pick her up and thinking I heard her cry.

I’m so very glad I met Ryan. If you’re too young to leave a legacy, all you have to leave is memories.

Rest in peace, little man. It was an honour to know you.