Stuff you can’t live without knowing

I have some very important bits of advice to dish out. Seriously, I don’t know how anyone can expect to get through 9 months of growing a parasite without knowing this stuff.

Apparently ginger is a great natural remedy for nausea. I have drunk so much ginger beer and eaten so many ginger biscuits over the past few weeks that I’m more than convinced that my kids are going to come out flaming orange. It’s a big risk, but I’ve gotta get through the day somehow.

If you ever get preggers and decide to take Omega 3 supplements in the form of fish oil capsules, take them at night. As much as I love fish, burping up fish oil for the first half of the day isn’t conducive to anything much at all. It’d make much more sense to share it with your husband in bed. After all, he’s the reason you’re in this predicament.

Only buy the smallest pack you can get of anything you pick up at the supermarket. You’ll go off the crap before you get half way through. I can’t open my desk drawers any more in case I catch a glimpse of the 500 tins of Chop Chop Chicken, or the gwazillion bags of Vogels Apricot Scroggin or the pretend cheese spread and cracker snacks. What the hell was I thinking? There’s only so many times a day you can throw up into your mouth before you destroy your teeth.

If you don’t want people to know you’re ‘with child’, don’t walk around stroking your stomach. Only pregnant women and weirdos do that.

The fact that you’re getting fat everywhere is nothing to do with the eating. Babies store stuff in your thighs. My babies are storing quite a lot of stuff.

Practice your ‘wow, that is so interesting’ smile. Everyone will have a story for you about when they were pregnant. Work on a look that cuts people to the bone. You’ll need it when they give you their giving birth story. Why is it that people think a pregnant person would want to hear a giving birth story? Or a miscarriage story? Or a morning sickness story? Or any story at all, come to think of it.

That’s it for now. I have to go and feed my babies.

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