So it finally happened. After a couple of years of hard slog I’m finally preggers. Truth be told, I’ve known for about a month now. I’m officially 8 weeks pregnant tomorrow. It has been 4 weeks of the most amazing highs and the most amazing lows. And certainly not quite in the way that I expected.
I had always said that I was going to be someone that hated pregnancy. It was my dream to have twins so that I only have to go through the whole ordeal once. I thought I’d hate not exercising like a demon. I thought I’d hate not being in charge of my own body. I thought I’d hate being off the booze.
Man was I wrong.
The second I got that positive result, something changed within me. My number one priority became looking after that tiny person that I am growing inside of me. I thought I would feel this amazing feeling of elation and relief. I did – for about a day. Then the anxiety of possible miscarriage set in. 20% of women miscarry in their first trimester. That is the same odds that I had for twins (on fertility treatment). Suddenly I had a million things to consider. What can’t I eat? How hard can I exercise? Can I have baths? Why the hell isn’t anyone telling me all this stuff?
But you know what I found the hardest? Keeping secrets. I have never, ever been good with secrets. That’s why you – someone on the other side of the world that I have never laid eyes on – reads the intricacies of my life on a daily basis. That’s why you know that I’m having a baby, when the people that I work with don’t know yet.
For a month I have told only my family and about 50 of my closest friends. See… not so good with the secrets. Shaun and I decided to wait until we had our first scan at 7 weeks to make sure we could see a heartbeat. Once you see that, the odds of miscarrying drop significantly. And last Tuesday we had that scan. That was without a doubt the best day of my life so far.
My dream came true. Two heartbeats.
The elation was slightly tempered by the fact that one of the twins was smaller than the other, which can be a sign that it may not survive the next couple of weeks. The specialist suggested that we don’t tell people it’s twins until our next scan at 9 1/2 weeks. So this time we only told our closest 30 friends and family. I certainly wasn’t going to write about it today.
I was sitting at morning tea eating some form of nutritious snack in order to feed the two babies with whom I have already fallen in love, when I started bleeding. With my heart in my mouth I called my specialist who booked me in for an emergency scan and told me to lie down until it was time to go to the hospital. I lay there with my friend and we talked about anything he could think of to distract me for 2 hours. I was feeling pretty calm but fairly certain that I was losing the small twin. It seemed so unjust.
But I’m sitting here writing this today with two fully intact babies. The scan showed that not only are both hearts still furiously beating away, but that the small twin is in fact not that small. This scan showed that they have grown since Tuesday and are both within the healthy size range for their gestational age. The bleeding is unexplained, and while it is certainly of concern, some women do bleed and go on to have healthy babies. So all is not lost.
I’m on bed rest for a couple of days and I am grateful for the exhaustion and the nausea that are plaguing me, because they are signs that things are continuing on as they have for the last few weeks. When you wish for something as hard as I have, you take the bad with the good.
So there you have it. All my secrets. If yesterday taught me anything, it was that I need to talk about things. It’s how I deal with them. If I lose my babies (because if I miscarry, it’ll be both that I lose) then I’ll need the support of those people around me. I don’t see how keeping it a secret will be helpful.
But for the record – I don’t intend to lose them. I’ve worked too hard for these babies to say goodbye now.