I’m feeling pretty down today. I just bumped my head in the toilet and cried. That’s generally a sign for me that I’m not coping all that well. And this time I don’t think I can blame it on hormones. Well, not completely.
It started over the weekend. My sister was staying, which I love. After a few typically rocky years, we are now incredibly close and I enjoy her company. This weekend though, we were both grumpy and edgy and it made me a bit miserable. It’s got a lot to do with the whole trying to get pregnant thing. I am sure that I am subconsciously jealous about the fact that she is further down the track than I am, which probably contributes, but she just wasn’t on top of her game either and it was bugging me – probably unfairly. I feel a bit sad about it.
But that’s not really what this is about I don’t think. I’m feeling worried about my brother. He goes through stages of going into hiding when things get bad for him. He kinda goes underground and I’ve sensed that happening for a while now. And it would seem that I’ve been right. Something is up with him and he isn’t talking to me about it. That feels bad, but what feels worse is that he isn’t talking to anyone about it. That worries me sick.
We go through this with him every few years, for different reasons. Every time it happens I end up confronting him on it and he opens up to the family and then feels great and wonders why he didn’t do it sooner. I wonder why the hell he doesn’t learn from that. But when someone is fragile it’s not the best time to berate them.
Unfortunately for me, I’m not in a position to offer much support at the moment. I need all my emotional strength for myself. But I’m finding it impossible to put aside my concern for him and to concentrate on me. When you love someone you just want to fix them I guess.
I wish I knew what to fix.