The rest of my life.

Today is a beautiful day. I was driving to the office this morning thinking how happy I am to be alive. It’s strange how the weather can have such an impact on how I feel. It has made me rather contemplative. I’ve learned to make the most of these moods. Sort of an emotional spring clean. I am able to be quite philosophical about things that are usually more difficult to confront.

So I was thinking about how I’ve been struggling over the last 6 months or so with the changes in my life. I understand for the first time what it is to mourn your youth. Not that I’m particularly old, but the days of being completely irresponsible are behind me. If I want a future that doesn’t hold regret I need to buckle down now and do the hard yards.  You do pay a price for bad choices. And that’s a difficult realisation.

All this thinking came about as the result of a conversation I had with a friend in the weekend. I realised that I have been harbouring some resentment towards her for some time. I hadn’t realised quite how unfair of me that was. I love her very much, but our relationship has always been turbulent. There are undercurrents of discomfort that we can’t seem to clear. And I’ve realised that part of that is my fault. I have been unconsciously blaming her for some of the changes in my life that I have been fearing and now I can see that. It’s a relief.

I told her all of this yesterday and I feel liberated by it. To have taken responsibility for my feelings has helped me to put them into perspective. Now I can sort them out in my head and deal with the things that need to be dealt with. I can put aside the bad bits and embrace the good ones.

So today is a good day. It’s the start of the rest of my life.

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