Philosophising

Further to yesterday’s public service announcement, I need to explain a few things. I sometimes forget that my brain works slightly differently to that of the average person. I forget that I live inside this head 24/7. Everyone else just gets daily 300 word glimpses. You’d be forgiven for taking things a bit more literally than they are intended.

I have the tendency to get overexcited, especially during times of change. These moments are great blazing flashes and are generally followed up by periods of philosophising. I have never really noticed this as a pattern in the past, but of late it is becoming hard to ignore. Something happens. I react. I announce my intent for all to hear. Someone comments. I realise that I have been misunderstood. I try and explain.

I have been thinking on that last bit. That is what’s new. I didn’t used to explain. I didn’t used to care. In fact, the sillier I was, the funnier I found it. But now there is a new factor to consider. Responsibility. Before, I used to think that the things that I did really only affected me. As I have gotten older, I have realised that it simply isn’t the case. My epilepsy affects the people that love me. Not that I ever have seizures any more, but the fact that I somehow broke my brain is a scary thing. My decision to take up a fighting sport after my diagnosis affects other people. My decision to have a baby affects others. And therefore the way I behave in preparation becomes something that’s about more than just me.

Sometimes I feel like perhaps I give the impression that I’m feeling all whoa-is-me about this thing. Like it’s getting me down or become all consuming. That’s not the case. I know my time will come. It has just taken me some time to realise that in order for it to happen, I have to make sacrifices. Those sacrifices are hard and they have taken some adjustment on my part. I wasn’t ready before, although I thought I was. A friend asked me in the weekend if I really want to have a baby. If I’m ready. I told him that until last month I wasn’t.

But I am now.

So, as another friend said to me this morning, maybe this is fate’s way of teaching me some patience. It’s certainly something that I have always struggled with. In fact, in those personal development courses when you have to list your best and worst personality traits, my worst is always impatience. It’s what other people list for me as well.

But more than that, perhaps this time is supposed to be so that I can clean up my act and get my body healthy. I am looking on it as a transitional time. Time that I can use to get my head around this thing that is to become my new life.

I joked yesterday about going back to my old ways. Perhaps I was too blase about it. I believe that you get from life what you put in. This is my chance to plan for my future and to take stock and do things right. I should look at it as a good thing. Most people don’t get this time to reflect and plan. And most people would kill to be told that they have to slow down on the exercise and take it easy. But there’s the thing.

I’m not most people.

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