I think it only fair to warn you all that I’ve leapt off the wagon. I’m back on the bad behaviour bus and I’m looking forward to the ride.
Things on the trying to have a baby front are not going well. After depriving myself of alcohol, caffeine, sugar, wheat, refined food and excessive exercise for months, my hormones are still about as controlled as my behaviour used to be. It looked like I’d made a breakthrough for a while there and I started responding to the drugs, but then this cycle it all went through the floor again. The clinic can’t explain it. I sure as hell can’t.
So for the sake of my sanity, I’m taking Christmas off. After 5 failed cycles, I need to stop and take stock. I am getting a bit tired of wondering at the start of each month whether I’m going to spend it crying or ranting. They say that it’s normal to have extreme emotions whilst on hormone treatment, but they fail to say that none of those extremes are good. I am still managing to stay positive, even though it seems that another of my friends gets pregnant each month. I don’t want to spend the Christmas season watching everyone else eating and drinking only to get more and more bitter each time things fail.
I had considered trying once more having a rest, but mum feels strongly that I need a break now. And mum’s usually right. So after Saturday’s bloods revealed that my estrogen had once again fallen through the floor, I consoled myself with Moet. And coffee. And sugar. At one stage I really broke out and had some bread.
I behaved rather badly on Saturday evening when I showed up to a bbq at the house of a friend that I haven’t seen since school. I lasted there less than an hour when I announced (before dinner was even served) that I had to leave temporarily and then never returned. It was probably best for all concerned, to be honest.
So today I am feeling poisoned but philosophical about things. My time will come.