Love deficit

Almost 5 years ago, my brother broke up with a girl. She was an unusual person. Significantly older than him. A buddhist vegan. In the 3 years they were together I only met her a handful of times. She didn’t want to break up. Not at all. She dragged it out over several months.

A couple of weeks after the breakup she called to tell him that she was pregnant. She decided to terminate the pregnancy, much to his relief. Then another month on, she called again to say that she had changed her mind and that she was going to have the child after all. My brother was devastated  – they hadn’t talked without fighting in ages, but that aside, he wasn’t ready for kids. It seemed so incredibly unfair that she had all the rights and he had none. The decisions were all hers, and her choice to have the child was going to affect Dave profoundly for the rest of his life.

Once the child was born things changed. It was no longer ‘a baby’, it was Dave’s son. My nephew. He was gorgeous. But she wasn’t. She was unbelievably awful. Her possessiveness of the child was scary. He would sleep in her bed with her. He was her ‘best friend’.

She started witholding him from our family. She wouldn’t let my mother see him at all. She said that mum once tried to ‘snatch’ him from her while she was holding him. She says mum was cold to her because she wasn’t up to her standards. She says a whole lot of unbelievably cruel things that simply aren’t true. I don’t know whether she believes them in some twisted way, or if she is just bitter about the fact that Dave didn’t want to remain in a relationship with her.

It’s breaking my mother’s heart. He is her first grandchild and not only is she not allowed to see him, but she is being personally attacked by his mother. Things have gotten so bad in the past that mum has spent $1k flying down country to see him, hired a car, driven to their house at the agreed time, only to find that no one is home. That is beyond cruel.

The motivation for this post is a letter she sent to mum the other night, telling her that her son has 4 grandparents (she has since married) and that there is no room in his life for her interfering (or for the rest of us apparently). He has a new father, David is just David.

Good on you lady. Deprive your kid of our love. You clearly fill his love quota.

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5 thoughts on “Love deficit

  1. Sarah, if I were you I’d ask Dave to demand a paternity test; if the results then were to come back in his favor (proving he’s the father), then I’d take her to court and demand full custody of the child and see to it that she gets professional psychiatric help, because from the sound of things, she needs it.

    There is a child’s life at stake here whether you realize it or not. Doing nothing is just as wrong as aiding and abetting in cases like this. I wish the best for you and yours, especially Dave and the baby, and will be keeping everyone on your side of the Pacific in my thoughts and prayers.

    Best of luck, and God speed.

  2. Oh, there’s no doubt that he’s his. You just have to look at him!

    She has since married a guy who is really stable and they have had another child. As much as I think she is a terrible person, she is without a doubt a good mother. He is happy and healthy. He just isn’t part of our lives.

    We are currently going through the process of legal guardianship, so that Dave at least has a 50% say in any decisions.

    Thanks Dan, I appreciate your support.

  3. Wow, insanity. She may be a “good mother” in some sense, but this certainly can’t be good for the kid. I hope the guardianship thing works out so he gets some say in all this. Good luck!

  4. Just wanted to pipe in and say, no self-respecting “Buddhist” would ever behave in this way. I studied that religion quite in depth, and there is no devation from the fact that kindness is the primary motive behind it.

    Speaking from the side of family wars, sometimes it is best the child does not know the divisions between people. Dave should participate in his sons life, that is without question. But serious issues need to be addressed with the mother without bringing the child into it. If she does try to do that, then her judgement as a mother and as a so-called Buddhist is completely in question. Good luck to your family and Dave.

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