I’m back on the hormones but this time I’m feeling on top of things. They’ve doubled my dose, which scared the living hell out of me at first. I was bracing myself for all manner of girly emotions. But HAHA, I’ve foiled them by taking them just before bed. The bulk of the side effects are now happening in my sleep.
I was gutted in the weekend when I overheard Shaun telling someone that the last time I was on them I was just awful to be around. Wow. I had no idea. I was actually quite proud of myself for managing things so well. I knew I was upset, but I made sure I’d tell him straight away so that he didn’t feel I was upset with him. It’s fair to say that I’m not known for my patience, so I accept that I probably snapped at him more than usual, but hell… does he want me to grow another human inside of me or not?? Anyway, I’m taking it on board…
Something has changed in my head. Last time I was still trying to hang on to all the things that I was scared of losing. I guess I was scared that I wasn’t ready for pregnancy. Well, for the permanent changes that having a baby would mean for me. But now I’m at peace with it. I’m not sure exactly what has changed, but I’m thankful for it. I think perhaps it was the disappointment of the failure. I get the feeling that is going to get harder each time. But what can you do?
So, I’m philosophical about it. Failed cycle = wine and caffeine. Sounds like a fair trade.
I guess my biggest fear about pregnancy is losing control over my body. It is one thing that I work so incredibly hard for. I know that once I can’t work out like a demon any more, all my body image issues will come to the surface. I won’t be able to diet due to the pregnancy, so I need some other means of controlling my psychological instability in that regard. So this weekend I’m going to a dietician to make a plan. Sometimes my sensibility astounds even me.
So anyhow, getting pregnant is my new project. I’m going to work hard at it for three months. If I’m not pregnant by Christmas I’m taking a month off the treatment so that I can at least enjoy a boozy holiday season! So that’s three cycles. Three possible conceptions.
So cross your fingers for me. I’ve got some breeding to do.