On Monday my brother broke up with his girlfriend of one year. He had been working up to it for a while, for several reasons, but it still sucks when it happens. It got me thinking about break ups. I haven’t experienced one for going on 6 years now and for that I am grateful. I’m hoping I won’t ever have to go through one again.
If you are the person that calls the relationship off, things tend to be slightly easier than they are for the other person because you have had time to start the grieving process. Once you get the courage to actually go through with the breakup, there is a feeling of relief, but it is accompanied by shock that is caused by the inevitable hole that is left in your life.
So that’s what he’s going through right now. I remember how it feels. I think the memory of those sorts of feelings stay with you forever. You go from having someone that you share everything with to not having them at all. Even if you were past ready to call things off, you definitely experience a strange kind of lonliness that can be hard to deal with.
From a selfish perspective, I am grieving too. I will miss having her in my life. I want to call her and go out for a drink. I want to help her through this, but I know I’m not the right person to do that. When someone close to you is in a relationship, you form one by default. When that relationship ends it can have more of an impact that you realised it would. That’s how I’m feeling at the moment. Still, it’s not about me.
I was counselling a girl at Youthline the other night – she was going through a breakup. She was having trouble letting go because she didn’t know what she had done wrong. He had given her the standard “It’s not you, it’s me” line. Not fair. The least you owe someone that has committed themselves to you for any period of time is some closure. The truth, no matter how painful, is better than just not knowing.
So, if there’s a moral to this particular story it is that if you are planning on breaking up with someone, be honest and remember that the only cure is time.