Last night at Youthline we were discussing endings and how we cope with them. It was especially relevant for me because it has been something that has been on my mind lately. I have been noticing recently that I have been doing a lot of reflecting back on my past. Whenever we go somewhere I churn up old memories of what I did at that particular place. I have been thinking about old boyfriends, about old experiences, about old friends, about my past in general really.
I have always been someone that thinks back on things, because I think there are important lessons to be learned, but I am not usually someone that dwells on things. I think that can be a hurdle when it comes to seizing the day.
I realised last night during the discussion about endings, that I am actually going through a process of grieving. I am mourning the loss of who I was before I got married. My life so far has perfectly followed the path that I guess I subconsciously mapped out. I am happy about that. Although every part of me is ready to move forward and embark on the next stage of my life, there is part of me that is kind of sad about the fact that I will never have my 'crazy youth' again. I am now part of a marriage – my identity will be forever tied to someone else. When I have children it will be even more the case. I will never have the freedom that I have enjoyed for the past 3 decades, and that's what I'm grieving for.
It's not a big deal, but the influx of memories are definitely a symptom of it. Now that I've brought it into my consciousness I can deal with it.
It's not really an ending, it's a new beginning.