I seem to be surrounded by people who are procreating at the moment. My best girlfriend has a baby due next month, Paul‘s sister is pregnant, a couple of girls in the office are about to pop, I have a friend overseas who has confided in me about his wife’s pregnancy (it’s to early to tell their local friends) – there were even a couple of girls at the pub last night (they weren’t drinking) who are either knocked up or have very unfortunate body shapes.
I have never been a particularly maternal person. When other people talk about the gorgeous baby, I see a small pink thing that frankly, just looks angry. I used to think that I wouldn’t care if I didn’t have kids – I could think of a million selfish ways to spend my money. But then I thought about the big picture. I see the looks on my parents faces at christmas time when they have all three of us around the table. It is a look of pride and contentment that I have never seen in any other situation. I want some of that.
The thing that makes me nervous is the fact that other people’s kids annoy me most of the time. Parents of young children never seem to have much time for themselves. You can’t just give your kids away when they are being irritating. People say that when it is your own child, you feel differently. I guess I am hoping like hell that that’s the truth. That something is going to click in my head and everything is going to be ok!
I guess I’m sounding pretty negative here. It’s only half true! I really do want children. I love the idea of a legacy. Someone(s) that I can teach, and watch grow up, and love unconditionally. I am looking forward to a new stage in my life. To giving up my career and staying at home. To going to coffee groups, and taking my children for walks in the park. I am currently ignoring the voice in the back of my head that keeps reminding me that this view is pretty clouded!
I suppose the other thing that I am afraid of is the pregnancy itself. I am a person that loves a party. I live my life big. I work out hard, I eat lots of deli meat!!, I enjoy nothing more than a drink. I have never in my life been the sober driver. I’d rather pay for a cab. I don’t have the tolerance to sit and watch everyone else having fun. It’s one of the few times that I get really grumpy. So… 9 months without all these things that I love is not something I will welcome with open arms.
I was talking about it the other day with my fiance and a couple of friends. Shaun said “Man babe, you’re gonna HATE that”.
And he’d be right.